Been too exhausted to blog lately. My little cherub has been battling colds for the last 2 months so I have a huge backlog of sleepless nights that are taking thier toll. I am finding out what being a parent is all about, and also that I am not made of very tough stuff!

It's amazing the things you learn about yourself as a 'parent' as time progresses. I had no idea, and gave no thought to the idea of what kind of parent I would be before I became one. I had vague ideas like the fact that co-sleeping was something that hippies with flowers in thier hair did and that surely it must be dangerous, and that sometimes baby just should be left to cry. I agreed with the author when I read it in a book that babies must learn to be independent. I also clearly remember the first time I heard of someone who would only feed thier kids organic food. That's RIDICULOUS I guffawed as I pictured thier pale neurotic upper middle class faces creased with worry lines every time thier child was exposed to any kind of unnatural substance. Yes- I was well and truly judgemental and clueless.

Now, 8 months later I have a few confessions to make.
1. co-sleeping is great. It saves getting up out of bed, is a great bonding experience and nothing beats your child waking up with a big smile because the first thing they see is mummy's face. Well..ok it's great in moderation but I'm glad I didn't steer clear of it altogether, I would have missed some very precious moments.
2. I cannot think of anything worse than leaving my baby to cry. I'm not saying I judge people who do this, I just knew as soon as he started skawking for the very first time I had to do anything and everything in my power to stop his little heart from breaking. This has probably cost me countless hours of precious sleep and a fair bit of judgement from others. At first I thought I was weak for not being able to put my hard hat on and let him get on with it. Now that I look back I am so glad that I stuck to this through thick and thin as I know it was the right decision for us, regardless of what popular opinion might exist in today's culture. Part of me still thinks I am quite pathetic for thinking this way, and the other part things that maybe I am actually a wee bit tough and quite selfless, which I like.
3.  OK...this one is hardest for me to admit. I am terrified of feeding my baby non-organic food. (I am physically cringing as I write this.) This is quite a dilemma for me. It makes me feel like a total outsider and I'll tell you why. Basically I am ashamed of this fact, I want to be a cool casual mother that throws any kind of food in the direction of thier child. Instead, I am sad to discover, I am an uptight neurotic mum who overthinks every meal time decision. In admitting this I feel like I am alienating parents who are in the non-organic camp, as I know they will think I am ridiculous. At the same time I feel I alienate the 'organic' camp residents as I am really too embaressed to accept them as my kind. I wish somehow I could find some happy casual middle ground where everyone could still like me, but I don't see that happening!

I can't help but feel that every decision I make of what goes in the little ones mouth could dictate his future. What if I can delay or speed up the onset of cancer? what if he develops asthma and I could have prevented it by choosing his foods more carefully. It is a terrible weight on my shoulders. The more I research the more confused I get and the list is endless. Avoid starch, avoid BPA, avoid pasteurised milk, feed them raw liver one lady even crows on her website (don't worry- that's just flat out disgusting and I wouldn't even consider it)- oops there I go with the judging again).

I guess at every point in a parents journey you have to realise that you can't save your child from everything so at some stage I will stop trying. For now, however, I am clinging onto the false hope that I can prevent anything bad ever happening to him, if I just feed him right, don't let him watch TV and cuddle him when he cries. I know of course deep down this is silly but be gentle on me, I'm only new at this.