I know you have all been sitting listlessly by your computers waiting for my next blog to pop up- life's probably just not been the same for you without my wisdom and wit I would imagine. Or.... perhaps not. Anyhoo it certainly has been a while, so long in fact it took my a bit of searching to figure out where the heck I did actually blog and how to log into it. Not exactly a computer whiz I must say.
So it's been a pretty crazy month or so. Actually, my husband would probably correct me and say it has been me who is crazy, not the month. I would probably find it hard to have a decent comeback argument for that one. I have, I'll admit, been feeling slightly out of sorts of late (like a crazy witch is probably a more truthful term). Hormones definately need to take some of the blame,I think they all got a bit pissed off at me for having a baby and are now determined to make my life miserable, they seem to take over my body, brain and emotions for the better part of two weeks a month. I also seem to have entered a pretty whirlwind existance now that I'm working. It strikes me as odd that only 15 hours of work a week seems to have left me feeling so totally exhausted and busy. Especially when other working mum's all seem to be able to manage it with ease. (please tell me I'm not the only one!?)
So some serious self reflection has been needed to help get me back on my feet. OK- I'm not even really back on my knees yet but I'm working on it.
A dear friend gently reminded me yesterday that my standards for myself are way too high and that this is making my life very hard. I know in my head she's right but the thought of easing up on myself is a difficult pill to swallow. While she reminded me that I have done a lot of stressful things in the last year (moved country, said goodbye to good friends, had a baby via emergancy c section, struggled through the first 5 months of being a mum to a baby with severe acid reflux, bought a house, moved 3 times bla bla bla, and become a working mum bla bla) all I can think of is how pathetic I am and that surely I shouldn't be finding it all a bit much some days. Well, ok, most days at the moment.
SO, the question I ask is, how do I lower my standards? How do I give myself a break and stop trying so hard. How do I rid myself of that constant feeling that I'm not doing well enough. And I think it's something that has to come from within I think, as influences around you will either support or dis what it is your trying to achieve. (Dis is a dumb word I know but I can't think of a decent one). I know dissapointment is the constant companion of the perfectionist, so how do I stop trying (and failing) to be perfect? Even as I write this my ridiculously erroneous thinking is making me feel guilty for even considering dropping my standards.
I think perhaps I'll have to keep you posted on what I come up with. I have made a small amount of progress in the last week- I discovered a few things, I'll share them if you like
1. my child will not drop dead if I feed him a few meals out of jars
2. the world will not stop spinning if I use disposable nappies for a while
3. even when clothes are dirty, you can still wear them
4. yup- my hair looks really gross if i go 3 days without washing it but noone points and laughs at you for it.
But I know it goes deeper than these superficial things, more thought it needed on the topic I think so watch this space.
I so don't want to be the kind of person that appears like they have it all together because they manage to acheive so much- I'd much rather have you over for coffee and have the house a bit of a mess, yesterdays food on my jeans and be able to laugh at myself. I think what stops me from being totally upfront with how I'm doing though, and I wonder if I'm not alone in this (please God let me not be alone), is that I feel like I'll be the only one who isn't completely holding it together. Which makes me realise as I write it...what's so bad about that? Better to be the only one not coping but with support around you than doing it alone eh!?
Oh crap- that was all quite honest, next time you see me just give me a hug and tell me I'll get there ok!?
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